That was not cool yesterday.
🤯 I spiraled.
I was not able to control my thought process.
I was thinking the worst was about to happen.
Thank you Bella for staying by my side and ensuring I needed a kiss every minute…. ps: Bella is my Pitbull / Beagle mix and my best friend second to Michelle.
Today is a new day and I appreciate that I have been given the ability to continuously be knocked down and get right back.
…but this is what we call – Cycling in the BiPolar world and this episode scared the shit out me this time.
This cycling episode was long in the making and I was trying to fight it off like a bad cold for a couple of weeks by quietly fighting the demons that wanted to take me to a mindful hell and alongside increasing the dosage of my medication (Seroquel) to which I do not like to do as it puts me in a comatose state.
This was not good.
Not good for anyone.
So what was in this Witchcraft Brew that brought me to this state?
1 The combination of not knowing if I want to continue with the RenegadeRetailer after five years due to analyzing that this has become a money-sucking and losing venture.
2. As well as stressing about my mortality and that the end of the road is closer to me than ever. I just had an acquaintance die earlier on around the same age as me.
And then the flame that lit the fuse happened.
It happened because of five words.
Someone posted in one of my articles that “I should not be writing.”
They also stated that; my grammar was poor and my storytelling was crap.
This was not the time for this to happen but it did and Kaboom!
There was no turning back from this now.
My mind was in a full uncontrollable spiral that was trying to shut down every part of me.
First goes the ability to think straight.
Second comes the thoughts of utter despair and doom.
Doom I say.
Third is your body shuts down and your energy or should I say the soul is sucked from your body and therefore the only remaining option is close your eyes, curl up into a ball, and hope that this will all go away soon.
This is the part where Bella is on alert and joins me for this RollerCoaster ride and curls up between my legs. Good Girl.
My will to fight was slowly being sipped away like a piece of kryptonite facing Superman. But as I stated initially at the beginning of this story I don’t give in or give up.
Yes, every inch of my being was saying to me this is it. This is the time that you will not get up.
This is when you just say fuck it and it’s over.
Then like an Old School Hulk Hogan, I woke up from my long nap and started to shake just like he used to do trying to get out of the grips of Andre the Giant.
It was not my time to be pinned to the mat.
And just like a Phoenix rising from the flames I got out of bed…
…and took another nap on the couch.
My mind and body were just not ready yet.
Anyways, before I drag this on any longer I woke up the next day feeling somewhat better.
… but what happened next took me for another emotional ride.
A stranger (or should I say a LinkedIn Peer, as I believe there are no strangers) reached out to me with the kindest words that brought the sunlight back into my life and a tear to my eye.
I will keep her anonymous for now but her simple and meaningful message brought me to a new level like Super Mario. Her words and insights put me on a detour and back on the path that I contemplated earlier on for the RenegadeRetailer.
She simply stated in so many words that the world needs the RenegadeRetailer to continue to share my Bipolar Journey and Retail Madness Marathon as I am helping out more people than I know or realize.
🙏 This person came into my life at a time when I was in total despair.
I made it through this time and I don’t know if it was Karma that this so-called stranger came into my life, but what she did for me with her words is more than she will ever know.
And do you know what that cost her to do?
Zero. Zilch. Nada
Ok. I’m done.
Wow. This was longer than I thought it would or should be.
If you know someone that is going through a Mental Health opportunity, please be reminded:
1. That it is not as easy as snapping one’s fingers to get out of a so-called funk. Stop pressuring someone to just be “normal” again. Your normal does not reflect their being.
2. That medicine is not always the cure so stop asking if they are taking it.
3. To ask how they are feeling and what you can do to help them out. Sometimes it’s a simple text message, just a hug or a good cup of soup.
4. That there are Hotlines that you can call and seek advice.’
I thank you for taking the time to read about another chapter in my life and I hope you found it insightful.
Long live the RenegadeRetailer as I march on for another day.
🙏🙏🏼🙏🏽 If you like what you are reading and would like to support My Journey and Madness of a RenegadeRetailer; then please feel free to Buy Me a ☕️ Coffee: https://BuyMeaCoffee.com/carybrandes
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Have a PHENOMENAL 🤩 Day.