165,200 days ago this is the furthest I remember asking myself before falling asleep; is it really worth going on another day.
Yes, there were influences and indications that there was something wrong that brought me towards this question in my early years and teens, but I have always been a fighter so therefore I am still here to tell the tale.
During the 1980’s I was to young to know better or realize that these were not normal thoughts or my behaviours and actions when I look back ties into my recent diagnosis of being BiPolar. I was always different in the way I acted, the way I did things and the way I socialized. They went from the extreme left to extreme right but never in the middle.
I was the Class Joker, I was the one who interupted classes to get attention and I was the one who would change relationships like no tomorrow, and my life was shit.
Then came the 90’s where everything was on hyper drive and I feet the need to apologize to every one that crossed my path as I may have hurt them in may ways that I regret today. I was unable to hold onto a relationship and the relationships that I was in hurt the ones I was with due to my erratic behaviour, selfishness and not being able to control my anger and being able to trust anyone.
During this decade I also switched jobs 5 times just due to thinking that I was the Master of my Universe.
😳 Looking back now I just shake my head.
This is where my thoughts ran even faster as to what is my purpose and if there will ever be a time that these thoughts will dissapear…they never did even though I met my Best Friend and my Love Michelle.
I tried to fight back these behaviours in front of her during these years.
I recall one night during our wedding night, I went outside and just started yelling to myself as every feeling I had bottled up came rushing in and I did not want Michelle to find out.
Here came the 2000’s to which was a total blur up until the last few years.
My Daughters were born, money was tight, my Depression went on hyper drive, my energy was zapped and I had NO idea how to handle this as I was mentally exhausted.
Life went on without me and my Family
I was told by an out of the Van Vancouver Doctor that this was just “Depression”.
🤯 After 2010 everything just exploded including keeping jobs again, no energy whatsoever and not being able at all to really be with my Daughters as I should have been.
In 2015 my Family Doctor looked at me and asked if I was ever diagnosed as being BiPolar as he could not understand me due to my rapid and incoherent speech pattern.
To add more hot sauce to this adventure, I went bankrupt to which 80% of BiPolar people do overall.
This is where the ball finally started to roll towards some sort of rehabilitation as I was finally under the care of a Psychiatrist.
- 🥹 Did you know that Researchers estimate that between 25% and 60% of individuals with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lives and between 4% and 19% will complete suicide.
Only in the last two – three years has the 🌞 sun start to shine, the stability of our lives are rebuilding and I am able to see a clearer path.
Unfortunately this is all due to my medications (15+ pills for other shit as well) a day, but at least I am able to function….and even though my BiPolar, Anxiety and Depression continues to raise its Demonic ugly head, I am now in the Drivers seat.
Vroom, Vroom.
👉🏻👉👉🏼 I can tell you today that my thoughts from 165, 200 days ago are still with me, I believe it is now just a habit to ask these questions, as once again I AM NOT a quitter and WILL NEVER give in to a battle with myself.
I promise.
⭐️ Thou shall not fall.
⭐️ Thou shall not die.
⭐️ Thou shall not fear.
⭐️ Thou shall not kill.
– Cry Little Sister
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