165,200 days ago this is the furthest I remember asking myself before falling asleep; is it really worth going on another day.
Yes, there were influences and indications that there was something wrong that brought me towards this question in my early years and teens, but I have always been a fighter so therefore I am still here to tell the tale.
During the 1980’s I was to young to know better or realize that these were not normal thoughts or my behaviours and actions when I look back ties into my recent diagnosis of being BiPolar. I was always different in the way I acted, the way I did things and the way I socialized. They went from the extreme left to extreme right but never in the middle. I was the class joker, I was the one who interupted classes to get attention and I was the one who would change relationships like no tomorrow, and my home life was shit.
Then came the 90’s where everything was on hyper drive and I feet the need to apologize to every one that crossed my path as I may have hurt them in may ways that I regret today. I was unable to hold onto a relationship and the relationships that I was in hurt the ones I was with due to my erratic behaviour, selfishness and not being able to control my anger and being able to trust anyone. During this decade I also switched jobs 5 times just due to thinking that I was the Master of my Universe.
Looking back now I just shake my head.
This is where my thoughts ran even faster as to what is my purpose and if there will ever be a time that these thoughts will dissapear…they never did even though I met my Best Friend and my love Michelle.
I tried to fight back these behaviours in front of her during the years before our wedding night, but that night I went outside and just started yelling to myself as every feeling I had bottled up came rushing in and I did not want Michelle to find out.
Here came the 2000’s to which was a total blur up until the last couple of years.
My daughters were born, money was tight, my depression went on hyper drive and I had NO idea how to handle it as I was exhausted.
This is where the questions of being BiPolar raised it’s hand as I could not help control of the family finances, I could not focus in any job that I had therefore I went through 4 more jobs until 2010.
After 2010 everything just exploded including keeping jobs again, no energy whastsoever and not being able at all to really be with my daughters as I should have been. To add more hot sauce to this adventure, I went bankrupt 3 years ago to which 80% of BiPolar people do overall.
Only in the last two years has the sun start to shine, the stability of our lives are rebuilding and I am able to see a clearer path.
Unfortunately this is all due to my medications (15 pills) a day, but at least I am able to function….but my depression has raised its ugly head again during the last couple of months and I only hope its due to the situation we are all in.
I can tell you today that my thoughts from 165, 200 days ago (about living for another day) are still with me every night but I believe it is now just a habit to ask these questions, as once again I am not a quitter and will never give in to a battle with myself.
I promise.
Thou shall not fall.
Thou shall not die.
Thou shall not fear.
Thou shall not kill.
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